Thursday, July 23, 2009

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Walking a very thin line By Chakara Bennett ~ Guardian Summer Intern: Is it ever okay to date your friend's former love interest? This is an ethical question many people face on a daily basis, and one that Olivia Peterson (name changed), 22, recently found out the hard way has many consequences. Four weeks ago, Peterson began dating the ex-boyfriend of one of her friends, from whom her boyfriend had separated four months prior. Peterson claims she did not find herself attracted to her friend's ex, while they were dating, and only discovered it two weeks before they officially began dating. She says she was attracted to the fact they could talk so easily and about anything, and she found he was generally interested in what she had to say. Being a cautious person, prior to deciding to date him, Peterson says she asked her friend multiple times if it was okay to date the former boyfriend, whom she had dated for two years. She says the friend reassured her each time that it was okay, and even seemingly encouraged them to get together by saying "It will happen anyway." Feeling secure that her friend was honestly okay with the idea and happy for her, Peterson decided to date her friend's former boyfriend. She says she was bewildered when the friend "exploded" after finding out that Peterson followed through in dating her ex. "I could not understand why my friend pulled a "Jekyll-and-Hyde" on me after being so supportive and even initially suggesting the dating to occur prior to me even imagining the possibility," said Peterson. Relationship therapist, Margaret Bain says that the "explosion" by Peterson's friend is understandable in the situation. "One must understand that people often don't say what they feel because they usually don't know how they feel until the reality of the situation is in front of them," says Bain. "Every ended relationship needs a mourning period. Some people need more time than others. No matter how much they say they are over a person they never really know until they are tested. If they aren't allowed to grieve, or a friend gets in the way of the grieving process the person hurts even more." Bain says Peterson's friend may even see the pair dating now as a betrayal, especially if the previous relationship was long and intimate. "It often doesn't matter what the person said that may have led to the relationship commencing because she or he may honestly not have known that they still had so much emotion invested in the former relationship. Also, you have to wonder if sub-consciously your desire to date your ex's friend is not a means to 'get back' at them if the relationship did not end amicably or mutually. So, I feel that it is best to not get involved in a relationship with an ex's friend or your best friend's ex. But, if you want to, then I suggest that you just wait for a longer period of time after a break-up before you show interest," she says. Jonathan Glinton (name changed), 23, Peterson's current boyfriend believes that the ethics in dating an ex's friend depends on many factors. "You have to consider how long you were dating; how significant the relationship was; how long after you decide to date again or to do it with someone so close to your ex-girlfriend. You also have to really think about if you are really over the girlfriend since it is likely you may be seeing her again around your current girlfriend. I think girls may think into this more so than guys do," said Glinton who was dumped by his former girlfriend. "They are way more territorial than guys I think. Even if they don't 'own' something anymore they guard it for some reason. I told a friend once that the difference between how a girl handles exes and how a guy handles exes is like the difference between how a female dog protects a yard compared to a male dog. I find that whenever I have a female dog protecting my yard and someone passes by or remotely looks like they are going to come into the yard she will bark and carry on like no one's business. She will chase — and maybe even attack the passerby. But if it were a male dog, he tends to be more laid back and may only attack someone if he's in a group of other males." Glinton also believes that women are touchy after break-ups, and that they don't really break up till a year to three years later depending on the depth of the relationship or psychosis of the girl. "They need to figure out if they really want to break up, if they actually want to get back together, if it's worth it. They need to re-find themselves sometimes. So during this time dating their best friend may not always be the best idea because it often will cause tension among the three of you." But, if a person decides to date a friend's former love interest Bain, who is also a certified clinical sex therapist, says that one has to be prepared to sacrifice something. And she says it is often a real test of friendship. "While it is okay to be friends with your best friend's ex-boyfriend, it is usually a whole other story when it's dating. In my practice I notice that men tend have this unspoken rule about dating anyone their best friend may have been dating — they generally don't cross that line. But then again each situation is an individual case and there are probably many people who don't think that way," she says. Peterson admits that she has damaged a friendship over her current relationship, but didn't think it would turn out this way. She says that she would support any of her friends dating an ex of hers, but realizes that not everyone feels that way. "I know that seeing a friend date an ex isn't easy. But the most important thing about any relationship is being honest. Even if the person values the friendship above the relationship there is often some level of resentment resulting in both friends after the fact. So be honest and let your friend know your feelings from the get-go. It makes things easier and oftentimes less messy. There is no guarantee that the friend will respect your feelings but they [feelings] will be off your chest and you will know how much the friend values the friendship in how they react," she said. Daniel J. Thomas (name changed), 25, whose best friend is dating one of his ex-girlfriends says it doesn't really matter if his friend dates one of his exes. "Seriously, once we are over. there is little left to hold onto. Yes, it may hurt if my best friend did it especially if the girl and I were dating for a significant amount of time, but even then I don't think it would disrupt our friendship too much. The girl and I broke up for a reason and probably have no plans of resolving it. So if they make each other happy, then why not? I'd personally wish them the best." A more mature Donnette Rolle, 47, says that one is asking for trouble if he/she dates a best friend's ex. "No matter how long — how short — how basic or how intimate the relationship between your friend and the other person was, you do not date them. I have learnt that in my own way. Think of it this way. Would you seriously date your friend's ex-husband or would you want your bestfriend who you confide in to date your ex-husband?" In the end the choice to date or not to date a friend's ex is entirely personal. Even so, Bain suggests that to avoid problems in such a situation, the easiest way is to not put yourself into such a position. But says at the same time she says you never know if the person is "the one" and whether there is a real future in the relationship for you. She says it is a risk you will have to take. "Deciding to date someone in such a situation will be difficult and will put a strain on the relationship really early on. Relationships are hard enough without a complication like this. But if you decide to do it and there are hurt feelings just know that sometimes only time and space will heal the wounds of such an encounter. At the end of the day if the relationship is meant to be it will last. And likewise, if the friendship is meant to be then it will last. This will just be a hurdle that all persons involved will have to overcome. What will be will be." Tuesday, June 23, 2009