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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

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Parenting with understanding It has been said that the thought is the father of the deed — and that every act, every crime, every good deed, every disagreeable or agreeable action is first a thought and then a fact. Good thinking brings good deeds and evil thinking evil ones — and if we improve our actions, we must improve our thinking. As surely as day follows the night, wrong thinking can lead to wrong actions. Family and parenting concepts are surrounded with influences that are designed to destroy the sacredness of family life. Parents, therefore, must put on blinders like horses that run in a race, so that they will not become distracted, as they run the straight course. Parents are often encouraged to have unity between themselves and ensure that they always give a positive face to their children. The united front that is expected between parents is sometimes difficult because each has his own experience and code of conduct. One parent can be indulgent, permissive and neglectful, while the other may be authoritative, structured and consistent. Harmony in these conflicting realities requires patience, understanding and a fixed mind to rear reputable children through positive actions. Agreement and cooperation do not suggest that both parents have sold out themselves to each other to the extent that they have lost their personalities, mental powers, decision-making skills or the ability to reason independently. They should not operate as a replica of each other. Good relationship techniques will seek to establish respect, regard and appreciation of each other. There will be disagreement on various issues, but each should agree to maintain cordiality and honor for each other. Each person's view of a given situation should be respected. Children can detect the differences in their parents which will influence the way that they face life's challenges. This knowledge must not be viewed as being negative unless they are influenced by fights, quarrels or any form of disrespect. Both positive and negative aspects of parents' attitude will influence children, since their environment is a lesson book. Damage can be done in children when their parents compromise in their parenting skills. Although children will understand the differences in their parents, and have the right of acceptance or disapproval, they are still expected to be respectful. Children must be well nurtured, have limits and borders that will act as safety devices. Following are some guidelines that will assist in parenting children with love and logic, from Foster Cline and Jim Fay. * Parents who give a lot of warning, raise kids who don't behave until they have had a lot of drastic warnings. * Figure out how your child will react and plan for it. * Practice a mental rehearsal. This means seek to correct one behavior problem at time. * Look into the eyes of the children while you make a correction of his behavior. * Control the tone and pitch of your voice. * Give children home tasks as their development allows. * Negotiate with children on sensitive personal problems. * Help children to get their chores done on the schedule of their parents. * Deal patiently with children when they get angry because you "pull the reins." * Be aware of children's tactics. Parents should agree on the major dynamic of rearing acceptable children. Irrespective of the personality differences in parents, children should not be allowed to manipulate the authority of their parents. From an early age, children should experience unity in their parents' function as well as that of grandparents and other relatives who deserve obedience and respect at all times. Impulsive reactions on the parts of parents can lead children to believe that it is alright to show negative angry expressions irrespective of the feelings of others. As parents, their roles should be understood and the benefits that can come from negotiation should be explained and modeled. 10 tips for parents as they strive to agree. * Get out of right and wrong arguments. * Discuss issues frankly without seeking to be a winner. * Show appreciation for what each of you can contribute to family values. * Try not to make any derogatory statements in the presence of your children. * Refuse to use your children as a jury. * Get rid of the habit of having your children carry news to each parent. * Use family meetings to discuss things that are causing annoyance. * Let each partner know clearly what you expect by using appropriate language. * Never behave as if you can read each other's mind. * If resolutions cannot be achieved between both parents, get outside help from professional counselors, pastors, teachers and other community workers or trustworthy persons. Parents, in striving to be agreeable must know when and how to react when challenging situations arise. Your integrity must never be denied because you "lost your temper." Whenever anger and intolerance win out, you have weakened your authority in the home. If you became perturbed and erred in reactions, apologize and determine that uncultured responses and hasty verbal battles will not be repeated. Infidelity can begin the spark of disunity and disagreeable battles, because it is hurtful and bitter. "I want a divorce!" This request or demand may appear to be sudden "like a bolt out of the blue" because you ignored the warning signs. Express your feelings about vexing issues, but maintain your moral and intrinsic strength through effective communication. Indeed, the thought is the father of the deed. This must be examined and seek to arrive at a unified understanding that will enhance the morale of the family. A warning heeded is a disaster avoided. Parents should be teachable and agreeable in spite of the diversity of technique to effective parenting. All the skills used should assist in the building up of children's self-esteem. n Pansy Hamilton Brown can be reached at P.O. Box N-10152 Nassau, Bahamas or pansyhamb@hotmail.com. Wednesday, June 24, 2009